Monday, April 6, 2015

The Year of the Sulk and Mope

Taking a break from life to host
 a "Chill Lounge" at Way Too Cool 50k
Oh man. It seems life has taken me for a ride lately and I'm just getting off to run back in line. I've neglected my writing in pursuit of earning a living lately, which isn't normally a bad thing, but there needs to be balance and I do notice that I'm beginning to get itchy. I need to get back into this writing thing. Life is starting to spill over and I need something to catch all the splashes. So now that Blogger hasn't made me invisible and my Saucy McRibs are off the censoring chopping block, let me just purge a bit...

The grand ultra plan this year (one of my biggest bucket list items I have been waiting to do) didn't work out. That was supposed to be a trip to the Copper Canyons to run in the Ultra Caballo Blanco 50 miler. I enrolled in an online class to learn Spanish, put together an ultra "file" on the race to collect various info and notes (yeah... I was unusually organized for this) and I had my fingers ready to pull the trigger on airline/taxi/train/shuttle tickets. And then, with my husband accompanying me on this adventure, we couldn't finagle childcare.

So that dream died this year.

I moped and sulked. I don't run just for the sake of running. Running is just an excuse for whatever adventure lies beneath the surface. This was my opportunity and it faded into dust, but as it turns out, maybe it wasn't the year for me anyway. Due to some unfortunate events which happened in close proximity to the race a difficult decision was made by race officials to cancel the race in order to ensure the safety of the runners. So, at least for this year, maybe I wasn't meant to go. I still hope that I can make it down there in the future.

So then there was talk between me and a good friend of mine about doing the John Muir Trail from Whitney to Yosemite. I was stoked. It has been years since I backpacked into the backcountry and here was an opportunity to explore and navigate through some extraordinary landscape, sleep under the stars, challenge myself, and recharge my life - a life that has been discharging in a slow trickle since my father died and I assumed new responsibilities in my newly reversed role caring for, supporting, and nurturing my own mother in her own grief. It hasn't been easy this last year. It's been a full-on energy suck with plenty more downs than ups and there's been too many days where I've felt like a trapped bird with clipped wings. Way too many days.

As it turns out, the JMT adventure will not happen either for reasons I'm not quite clear on.

So more sulking and more moping. It seems this has become the year of sulk and mope. But I'm over that disappointment too. I've got my Born To Run adventure coming up in May which I refuse to give up no matter what. That's a very special race for me. A race that takes me back to my first real deal ultra, a 100k through the hills of the East Creek Ranch in Los Olivos where I arrived not knowing a single soul or my own limitations. The people I met there were genuine, supportive, and by the end of my experience, like family. I look forward to this event every year. It has become my default recharge and decompression from the crap life has launched at me lately. I go there with full intention of saying fuck you to the shitty and embrace the chill with similar minded folk. Its all about the happy there.

So other than the Born To Run Ultra in May (and possibly a naked run sometime in the future) I'm pretty much goal-less with little motivation these days to run, to write... to do much else but go to the gym. It's a strange space. I'm sorta in float mode now just waiting to see what will land in my lap. I hope I get an opportunity for a new and exciting adventure soon. As long as it's trajectory doesn't hit me in the head on the way, I'm good.
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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Behind The Thick Red Curtain - The Fate Of My Blog

Possible blog censorship. Like my McRibs?

WOW. I take a three month (ok that could have been more than three) writing hiatus and come back to my blog to see that the world is not round but flat and that WHA??? my blog is on the censorship chopping block? Is this true? According to blogger...

"On March 23rd, Blogger will no longer allow certain sexually explicit content." 
I kinda felt like they were pointing the finger at me.

And this...
"If your existing blog has sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video, your blog will be made private after March 23, 2015. No content will be deleted, but private content can only be seen by the owner or admins of the blog and the people who the owner has shared the blog with."
So is this a bad time to post my naked vacation pics?

I guess what this means is... my blog could likely become private very soon. You won't be able to read my nifty little posts or see my Saucy McRibs, or my husband's ass, or those hot naked athletes, or even read about my masturbation adventures - sorry - there were no naked pictures to go with that post.

The saddest thing about this? My public writing space - the space that held me accountable for a lot of what I had to say could be shoved behind a symbolic thick red curtain that says "Perverts Only."

OK. I'll admit to being a little pervy from time to time, but this space has been therapy for me over the years. It's been a place where I could take a risk, push outside my comfort zone, and reveal more than just my thoughts and boring opinions. By publishing my writing and sometimes my photos (for example my bikini photo and Saucy Mcrib shot) to the public sphere, it has forced me into some serious personal contemplations which would often result in some inner discovery and ultimately personal growth. Yeah. If that sounds meaningful, it's because it is.

Admitting in writing that you're going through some shit that could possibly be akin to a midlife crisis is not easy if you know it can be read by anybody in the world. Posting a topless picture of yourself (albeit censored by Saucy McRibs) when your least favorite part of your body is your boobs is a risk when you know just anyone can google "McRib" and get your naked topless shot in all its glory. Even though I censored that shit myself, it was an exercise in acceptance to publish it to the world.

So I guess only time will tell what happens to this blog and this public space beyond March 23rd. I still have more to say, more adventures to share, more naughtiness to post about. I haven't stopped discovering and I refuse to give up my public platform to do that. Hopefully I won't have to. I guess I'll just keep ya'll posted.
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Thursday, December 4, 2014

Wha? You Found Me With That? And another Top 10 List...

Never run when carrying anything
helium inflated and shaped like a penis.
I like to look at my online traffic stats from time to time. It's nerdy entertainment and since I'm like 95% weinerdog it satisfies my inner geek. I want to know where you people are and how you got here on my blog. I'm nosy like that. 

But it's not like I wanna know exactly where you live in a creepy, stalky kinda way - ok, maybe a little bit - but I promise all my stalking will be limited to Google. I won't actually get in my car, drive to your house, knock on your door, and offer you candy. Unless you've got whiskey, then I might invite myself in for a drink.

So, on occasion, I look at the search terms and phrases used to find my blog and most of the time I just end up shaking my head.

You people are tweaked.

Like when I see the search term Dead people. Wha? Really? Uh. I really don't know what to say. You found my blog with that?

Then there's the phrase Wedgie Archive. Yeah. I'm not even sure where to find this archive of wedgies. Was this the 2011 panty archive? Cuz I'll admit to talking maybe a little too much about my panties - and I'll admit it's very likely I mentioned wedgies - but an archive? Of uncomfortable flossing? Yeah. Let me go look that up right now.

And what's up with stupid naked people? Who are you calling stupid? Sounds like smack talk to me. Hey, Google. Please make an app that smacks people in the head for typing stupid phrases.

My perfect naked Saucy McRibs..
And to the person who found my blog by typing in perfect naked boobs... THANK YOU. I know they had Saucy McRibs censoring them, but that topless shot was for reals. And yes... they may be petite, but they are beautiful and perky and I hope to keep them like that for at least a few more years.

And then there's the search phrase:
Never run when carrying anything h
You know, this just kills me. Google shortened the h-word so I can't see the rest of the phrase. This tragically leaves vocabulary to my discretion, which, is a really bad idea. No. A really, really, bad idea. Besides having a mind that camps out on top of cardboard in the gutter 80% of the time, I have a knack for butchering language and grammar. If it has rules I will purposefully (or accidentally) not only break them but shatter them into millions of little, tiny, nonsensical pieces. I will slice and dice that shit and make it whatever the hell I want cuz I can. I just did.

I've decided to shamelessly try and interpret the rest of the h-word search phrase based on what I already know about my audience. And since it seems, for now anyway, the majority of my readers are in the 25-34 year old male range I have to think like a 25-34 year old dude in order to even remotely come close.

But I'm not a dude. I am the proud owner of a soft taco. I will have to try my best. 

So here's my top ten list of
"h-word" things not to do while running:
1. Never run when carrying anything hanging off your nipples. (Or hanging off any other loose and swingy bit on your body.)
2. Never run when carrying anything hella stabby.

3. Never run when carrying anything helium inflated and shaped like a penis.

4. Never run when carrying anything hipsters wouldn't carry.

5. Never run when carrying anything hoochie-approved and ready for Vegas.
(Not recommended. At least keep it off The Strip. Unless you need a job.)
6. Never run when carrying anything hamsters with sharp teeth will nibble on. (Or at least avoid squirrels with extreme jumping skills.)
7. Never run when carrying anything half-assed and high. (Duh.)
8. Never run when carrying anything hot and pokey. (Duh again. Didn't you ever listen to your mama? You don't need Google for that.)

9. Never run when carrying anything heavy and dead. (Especially dead.)

10. Never run when carrying anything hogs can bite.
(Just stay away from all wild animals.)
As for the other terms and phrase I've found on my blog lately, they amuse me, but I must confess... I'm guilty as charged. They found me.
  • look at my naked ass
  • pool noodle sex toy
  • naked fitness girls
  • cameltoe runner
  • skipping rope fail
  • wha zap
  • jogging orgasm 
  • nude athletic women
  • running topless
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Monday, November 24, 2014

Finding Chocolate in My Pants - A Body Butter Inspiration

Uh. Whaaa?
So the other day I was changing to get ready to go to the gym and as I was climbing out of my jeans and panties (I like to take both off in one full swoop for efficiency) I found a large chunk of chocolate smeared on my inner right thigh. Real chocolate. Not the metaphorical kind. Trust me. A lot of things go through your mind when you encounter smeared ANYTHING in your pants. But being an ultra runner, (and if you've ever been out on a LONG run without toilet amenities you'll know what I'm talking about here) I was confident in my ability to handle the situation.

Suddenly a whole Question and Answer series scrolled in my head.

Question in my head: Whaaaaa?...
(Honestly, I was confused and having trouble comprehending the whole situation.)
Answer in my head: Dear God, that better be chocolate. (After a little inspection, thankfully it was.)

Q: I don't remember eating chocolate recently. (I realize this isn't a question, but it was in my head.)
A: That looks tasty. (Apparently, I'm quick to get over the shock of a brown smudge in my pants.)

Q: What's the quickest way to clean up this mess? (Again. I'm all about efficiency.)
A: Maybe I can lick it off. It would be tragic to let perfectly good chocolate go to waste.
(Yeah. Maybe I could reach it if I had this dude's skills ...)

Q: Wait. How'd chocolate get IN my pants? (There were smeared bits everywhere.)
A: Or the bigger question could be: How'd it get in my panties? (Cuz it was in there too.) (I realize I answered this question with a question, but things are often confusing in my head when faced with a crisis - especially when you find that crisis in your panties.)

Q: Is this my chocolate, or could it be someone else's chocolate? (Oh jeez. The horror.)
A: What would someone else's chocolate be doing in my pants?! (I don't wanna know.)

Q: ???
A: ?

Q: Look for caramel!! (Again. Not a question, but a good point.)
A: Yes Sherlock. The caramel would give it away. If there's a trace of caramel then I KNOW it's MY chocolate and not someone else's. (Cuz it's plausible that it could be the chocolate elves' chocolate. You know - those naughty elves who are highly adept at sneaking non-caramel fairie chocolate into obscure crevices on my body.)

Q: If I find caramel, I'm definitely licking that shit up. That shit shouldn't be wasted. (I realize that the word "shit" is probably not a good choice here.)
A: Oooooooh caramel! (Now I'm bending over inspecting the insides of my legs for tasty morsels.)

Q: DamnNo caramel. I wonder if there's more in the fridge?
A: I should just whip up another batch. (I'm easily distracted by thoughts of baking scrumptious desserts.)

Q: Hmmmm. Look at that - I really need to shave my legs. (I'm also easily distracted by my poor excuse for bodily hygiene.)
A: The texture of leg hair and chocolate could be a less-than-interesting combo. (You think?)

Q: You know... if I added a little shea butter to the chocolate, poured in a small amount of almond or avacado oil, and maybe added some vanilla essential oil, this could make a damn good body butter.

BOOM. And that's how chocolate in my pants became inspiration for a new homemade body butter recipe which I will be experimenting with soon. It will be so good, you will want to lick yourself. I might just share the recipe. But, be sure to shave your legs first.

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Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Krista's Top Ten List of What Not To Wear While Running

WARNING: Hanging booty
I'm pretty sure I broke a running fashion rule the other week. It's probably the first rule of running fashion. 

Running Fashion Rule #1. Never run with your ass cheeks hanging out of your shorts.

Yeah. Shorter than short shorts are a big NO NO. Well for running anyway. They're perfect for pole dancing and for women fifteen years younger than me.

In my defense though, it was one of those weeks where I was hard-pressed to find time for even my 25 minute hill repeats, which meant that I had to let the laundry suffer. And when the laundry suffers I find myself desperately digging through my clothes drawers to find something, ANYTHING, that is remotely acceptable to wear. I was lucky I wasn't going into the gym or that could have been tragically uncomfortable - instead I was running hills and trails in a somewhat isolated area where only a handful of people in a three year time period unwittingly witnessed my brave attempts at peeing-while-standing-up so I figured the odds were good that I could get away with wearing the hanging-booty booty shorts.

So I did what any desperate runner would do. I put them on. Then asked my husband to photograph the atrocity. I needed confirmation.

Too short booty short fix
These booty shorts were just plain wrong. I bought these shorts online not really paying attention to the inseam measurement. Who measures their inseam anyway? I would think there should be a standard of "appropriate shortness" for workout clothing but apparently I was wrong. Even I found the wedgie from those shorts to be a wee bit invasive and I'm a thong girl.

With my need to run growing more and more intense I tried to correct the problem by pulling my shorts down a bit then using the buff around my waist to keep them from riding up again. I think I was about two repeats in when my cheeks were like "OH HELLO THERE."

I accepted my fate. I should have just ran in a pair of bikini bottoms.

I should clarify that I'm no stranger to running/gym fashion faux pas nor to breaking rules.

Footless socks? Wha?
Check out this little nugget -  my footless socks, ironically, for warmth. Yes. I did that. When I was running barefoot a lot I would cut the feet out of my socks and run with the socks but sans the shoes. For warmth. Yeah. Don't ask. There's no answer to stupidity.

Well... I've smartened up over the years by wearing full length socks and shoes for warmth although most would question my style sanity...

I still support this decision. I love fun socks!

And speaking of cold, let's not forget the time that I smartly decided that since my toe warmers didn't fit INSIDE my minimal shoes I would stick them to the OUTSIDE. Yeah. I did that too. They looked like maxi pads, but in all fairness they worked like a charm. 

For about two miles. Then they fell off.

Oh jeez. Where were the running fashion police that day?

Then there were the toe shoes. My vibrams. Many of my fellow minimal and barefoot friends would say this is not a running fashion faux pa, but I would have to disagree. In my case, they were the ultimate fashion faux pa since I bought them forgetting I had webbed toes that would never comfortably fit into them. Duh.
Mud run with my toes shoved into little painful pockets.
Oh and there's more fashion mistakes I've made over the years. Really. I'm the poster child for the worst dressed runner out there. I could go on and on... but I won't - or maybe I will. How about I give you my top ten worst dressed fashion running secrets here? Come on. I know you want to know. *wink*

Krista's Top List of What Not to Wear
(or, if you're me, What TO Wear) while Running
Cuz everyone needs a running fashion guru… 

1. If you’re a badass wear whatever the hell you want. Let your cheeks hang, your boobs sway, rock the rhinestones.  When you're fast and a badass there's no need to dress responsibly. 

2. If you’re gonna run a race in costume make it worth it. Pink assless chaps and a unicorn costume is pretty worth it. For everybody.

Not sure I'd want this guy running BEHIND me.

3. Cotton is the ultimate running fabric. Seriously. If you can stand the chafing it’ll keep you cool and wet in the summer. And you can rock those old concert tees on the trail. In the winter… well who the hell runs in winter anyway?

4. Look the part. Don’t smell the part. Saturate your running gear in large amounts of perfume or aftershave and you’ll never have to worry about friends complaining that you stink. Of course, your running partners will be MIA, but what do you care? You’ve always enjoyed solo runs anyway.

5. Run naked. There’s nothing wrong with running sans the clothes but note there’s a time and place. You’d be smart to do this at night and in a mostly remote area away from traffic. There’s nothing more disappointing than being arrested just as you are about to PR your best time. But on the flip side, running away from the cops could be the most effective technique for PRing. Be sure to bring your Garmin and track that shit!

6. If you’re a guy, “manpris” (running capris for men) aren’t wrong at all - as long as you can kick everybody’s ass. Literally.

7. Test all your gear for a 5k. If you really want to see how that hydration vest is gonna work out, wear it for a 5k. Oh and try that fuel belt too. Oh and those gaiters… and that headlamp… and those compression socks… and don’t forget the running poles. Because ANYTHING can happen around 2.5 miles.

8. Drink it don’t wear it. We all know beer and whiskey are the best hydration for any race so when drinking it’s important not to get sloppy. Don’t spill it all over yourself before the finish line. You’re an athlete not an alcoholic. Ok. Maybe an athletic alcoholic. Either way, finishing a race smelling like a bum is not cool. Keep it neat. See what I did there?

This hydration did not end up on my shirt.

9. The brighter the better. Wear bright reflective clothing on the trails so the bears know where to find you in the middle of the night. Or so your running partners can run away from you when they see you attacking them.

I have been known to attack innocent runners on the trail.

10. Wear race appropriate attire. Be sure to wear a shirt that is compatible with the race you are running. Be clear so there are no questions.

Perfectly appropriate running attire.
For a mud run.

That's my top ten list of what not to wear, or what to wear. Dress responsibly folks. There are other runners affected by your running fashion actions. If you have anything to add feel free to comment below.
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Monday, October 20, 2014

Giveaway Winner #2! picked #2
Emir! Dude! The universe thinks you need a new shirt, man! You were picked to receive a Zaps Threads original tee. Contact me now at so I can get your info and send you a free shirt. Feel free to peruse the selection of awesome shirt designs on my site so you can let me know what exactly you want.


For the rest of you... thank you for entering my giveaway. I'm done with slacking lately, so expect more giveaways in the near future. And if you're a NorCal local or even a Born To Run amigo, stop by and see me at my booth at upcoming events. I'll keep you posted on those. Trust me. It'll be worth it. *wink*
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Sunday, October 12, 2014

Free Tee Giveaway - Are you ready?

I'm giving away my shirt!
Wanna free shirt? Sure you do. Honestly, I've subjected you to enough of my flim flam these days you deserve a little something for free and it's seriously been FOREVER since my last Zaps Threads giveaway.

I just finished putting three of my latest Zaps Threads designs up on my Spreadshirt site - The Stupid Miles, the Ultra Warrior, and the Ultra Runner tee designs. If you want one of these, or any one of my myriads of other designs you see here you will have to enter this giveaway... NOW. Seriously, folks, those Stupid Miles tees have been stupidly popular and I would hate for you to miss out on getting one for free.

Zaps Threads Men's Ultra Warrior Tee
So if you haven't had a chance to buy a shirt from me in person at one of the events I vended at this year - and trust me, that once-in-a-lifetime awesome experience is much better than the online one, usually involving a free shot, free beer, a special cookie or just my charming personality which you should take full advantage of should you ever find yourself in close proximity to the Born To Run Ultras, She Rocks the Trails, or possibly Way Too Cool next year - then let's not forget that here's an opportunity to get your hands on my shirt for FREE. Ok maybe not *my* shirt cuz that could get me into trouble, but one of my exclusively designed ultra running tees that I've worked my ass off to conceive, design, and produce, mostly to keep myself sane. It's what I do. 

Zaps Threads Men's Ultra Runner Tee
So I won't keep you from your coffee, or work, or sleep, or whatever else you're multitasking with at the moment for much longer - and for pete's sake if you're driving put the fucking phone down!! Here are the details:

1) Go like Zaps Threads on Facebook (if you haven't already).

2) Tweet, Facebook, or use some other social network to share this giveaway and be sure to use any of the following hashtags : #stupidmiles, #ultrarunning, #giveaway, or #freeshirt in the post.

3) Come back here and leave a comment and tell me how you shared this giveaway.

4) Please don't double post. Lets keep it fair, folks.

That's it! Then check back here for the winners which I will pick in about a week or so. Good luck! 

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