Thursday, July 5, 2012

If You Think I'm Sexy, Think Again.

Injury prone people shouldn't touch
themselves too much.

This post could possibly get me into some trouble considering my recent contact with Google regarding some crazy malware notice that my site was defaulting to every time you visit. I'm lucky to have some very helpful (and surprisingly geeky) facebook friends who helped me find the offending code that was causing the issue on my site

But in case you're wondering, I practice safe blogging. My blog will not give your computer some skanky high tech STD. I promise. I'm totally clean.

At first I thought my site may have been hacked due to its popularity (I could have sworn my stats were exponentially increasing over the last few months.) There was no hacking. Apparently my blog is not popular enough to be hacked. What's up with that? The truth hurts.

Did I mention this post could get me into trouble? Not because of the whole asking to be hacked bit just now, (if you're a hacker please don't hack me. Trust me. I have more good shit to write about.) I think I might get into trouble because I'm about to overshare again. Its been a while since I overshared and I'm getting a little antsy about it. 

Mom, Dad... go read somewhere else. You're not going to approve of this post.

I've been talking shit about enlightenment lately and if I'm going to be raising the bar and living up to it then I better damn well be OK with talking about things that push my level of comfort. It helps with the whole growth thing. And you can't deny its kinda fun to talk about stuff that flirts with taboo. I'm only a lightweight though. I save the heavy stuff for...well... facebook. Ha! Not really. Well, kinda.

So where was I? I'm easily distracted these days.

Especially when it comes to reading.

Reading what? You ask...

Porn. Actually, erotica is the proper term. But, who's being proper here?

I've been reading erotica off and on for years now (since my husband, then boyfriend, bought me my first book of short stories). I will admit though, I succumbed to the Fifty Shades hooha because I was curious about it. I only read the first book, though, because towards the end it just wasn't doing it for me.

Most of you are probably thinking why would you read erotica when you can have video porn, right? Reading is so 20th century. 

First of all, let me just say that playing porn on your phone while you're in line at the DMV is a little offensive. Unless that granny behind you is really open-minded I wouldn't advise it. That's just plain rude. Respect, people.

It's funny... I joked on my facebook status that I was looking forward to waiting in line at the DMV because I would be sans kids, (which was partly true) but more true because I got an entire hour and a half to myself to read my porn. Uninterrupted. I had to turn my phone off a couple times when I noticed people staring at me, but other than that it was all good. 

Back to erotica. Its much more subtle and just as hot as video porn. I've downloaded books onto my phone that can be read anywhere, anytime. Well... almost anywhere and anytime. You might think I'm checking my text messages. Maybe posting my facebook status. You're thinking "she's reading her emails," right? Chances are I'm probably reading about some chick who's tied up and taking it in the ass but you would never know. 

And let me just say being totally turned on in the middle of the beer aisle at TJs (beer totally makes me want to touch myself) is totally different than being locked in your bedroom with toys. Its a whole new experience. Its probably not for everyone, though, and you have to proceed with caution lest you forget where you are and embarrass yourself. Something I'm prone to. Embarrassing myself, that is. I haven't forgotten where I am yet. Well not while I'm sober anyway.

That being said, as a runner, I've found that portable erotica can be a precarious habit. Any obsession that can result in injury is not good for my running.

Injury? You say. 

Yes. 

For me (and probably only for me) reading erotica can result in injury.

But for those of you who actually read this blog, this shouldn't be a surprise. By default, my uncoordinated ass is vulnerable to injury from doing all sorts of stupid and non-technical things. Here's a little known fact about me that I've probably haphazardly mentioned before - I literally cannot lick an ice cream cone and walk at the same time. My husband thinks this is beyond amusing. I prefer to sit and eat my ice cream. I like to be comfortable. I also like to not trip over myself.

That's just the gig I've been given. I try hard to pretend I'm not completely inept and awkward when it comes to, well, just about everything, but realize I'm not fooling anyone - especially the guy at the gym who I almost accidentally kicked in the face while doing hurdle jumps. I apologized for getting too close. He was cool.

Sadly, this total ineptness seeps into every aspect of my life. Really.

Like the time skiing when I had to um... stop. Yeah. The paralyzed looks on the faces of the people waiting in line for the lift as the rope line lassoed my neck and flung me to the ground was unforgettable.

Then there was my maternity class humiliation where after not so gracefully lowering my pregnant ass down on an exercise ball I literally bounced off with what felt like a six foot high trajectory.

And then there was the time I danced so hard I was crippled for weeks. I have no idea what happened, but my girlfriends assured me I had a good time.

And you all know about my gym fails. 

I could go on and on...

Like I said, being uncoordinated seeps into ALL aspects of my life. Including sex and masturbation.

Yes. I said masturbation. Surprised? You shouldn't be.

I have a tendency to... um... get a little carried away with this little Kindle app on my phone. No. I don't run into shit while reading (although I'm sure that will happen eventually.) My injuries occur while trying to touch myself and read at the same time. Have you ever tried to hold a book or phone while doing the DJ? Trust me. Its not easy. Especially if there are toys and lube involved. I supposed that's score one for video porn.

I'm a creative problem solver, though. In fact, I thought I had discovered a bomb "hands free" approach to getting my groove on. Here's what happened - after reading a few pages of my "Best Bondage Erotica" I eased the bullet in, dialed the vibrator to the high pulse position, straddled the toilet seat backwards (I actually prefer harder surfaces as opposed to soft surfaces) and then proceeded to cultivate a nice O. Instead of exploding into ecstacy I nearly knocked myself out by hitting my forehead on the back cabinet while in the primal depths of an orgasm. Yeah. I did that. Not once, but a few times. I'm kinda getting used to it.

So I'm thinking... "there's gotta be a better way." I've tried many different things to eliminate potential hazards while "double-clicking my mouse." Honestly, it doesn't matter. I always end up in the same world of hurt during or shortly after "tickling my oyster."

Way back I wrote a post on women who have coregasms... well... I still have yet to achieve an orgasm during a workover, (although I'm not sure I want to add that event to my Gym List of Shame) but what I learned about myself from doing the coregasm research is that muscle tension is a key part of the whole big O process. Especially for me. Some women can achieve orgasm by stimulating their clit or their g-spot, or both (the term for both is a "blended orgasm" - which, by the way, makes me want to order it with an extra shot of tequila and salt around the rim.) There's also the lesser known "deep spot" or "A" spot (I never knew the alphabet could be so sexy) which is much deeper in the vaginal canal than the g-spot but can be stimulated in a similar way. In fact, the doggy style position is a really good position to experience this kind of deep upside down internal orgasm during sex. But, don't hurt yourself trying to get to that one on your own. I've tried and ended up with a paralyzed claw instead of a right hand (I'm a lefty who uses her righty for pleasure.) It took a good hour to fully get the feeling back in that hand.

But what I've found is regardless of how I'm stimulating myself (or being stimulated) its almost impossible for me to achieve orgasm unless my major muscles (glutes, quads, calves) are totally engaged for an extended period of time. Actually the movement is more of a supersonic squeeze and contract around some object, toy or lover (my husband.) Sometimes this squeezing will happen for a  REALLY extended period of time. Which borders on too long. Trust me, there is nothing worse than a full body cramp to completely ruin my peaking trophy O. Calf strains and hamstring pulls from masturbating are not pretty. If I were a porn star I would be fired. Its a good thing I have a regular job.

And as if the full body muscle cramping and muscle strains aren't bad enough, if I ever do make it through an orgasm without injury there is likely to be a puddle of drool at the end in which I will probably slip in and knock myself unconscious. 

Yeah. I'm a drooler. How's that for sexy?

I suspect those deep hamstring issues I was having before my 100k back in May were caused by my over zealous book reading. I literally had to abstain from "reading" the week before my race so I wouldn't hurt myself and end up crippled before I even started. And having to explain THAT injury to my coach would just be plain awkward.

So you see, I'm really not skilled at anything. There's not much that I can do well and without injury. I can't even masturbate without having to call 911. To be able to run without falling, tripping or hurting myself is a treat. So when I get all excited that I can run 62 miles without major issues, that's a serious accomplishment for me. That kind of running fiyah! is the best running orgasm I will ever have. And if you happen to see me touching myself on the trails, please make sure I have a safe place to fall.
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6 comments:

  1. I am applauding, laughing, and turned on all at the same time dear! Love me some bondage and anal erotica :)
    Maybe some kind of full body airbag....

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  2. Ok, so I'm not the only one who drools and knocks them self out in the bathroom..? Good to know there are others. We might need to start a support group.

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  3. The BEST lunch time read EVER!

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  4. Okay. Let me break the ice for the guys here. That was some serious sharing-funny, but serious. Perhaps some PPE would be in order for the future. Oh, in case you're unfamiliar with the term, PPE stands for personal protective equipment. Things like a "hard" hat might be a little kinky, but totally PPE for you!

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  5. I think I'll love to have a good read of your archives on a daily basis :) Where's the subscribe button?

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  6. OMG WHO ARE YOU? HOW DID I FIND YOU? *subscribing*

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