|Wearing a bikini at Donner Lake.|
So what was the stupid task that triggered this whole in-head drama?
I decided to change my profile pic on facebook.
Stupid, huh? Here's what that stupid conversation looked like in my head...
Krista Who Gives a FuckI wanna update my Facebook page profile. Our vacay at Donner was so nice and relaxing. Those would be good.
Krista Who Doesn't Give a FuckI love that shot from that little summit above the train tunnel. That would make a great cover photo.
Krista Who Gives a FuckHmmmm. I need a matching profile pic to go with that.
Krista Who Doesn't Give a FuckThe pic Patrick took of me when I wasn't looking is a good match. I love the lake with the mountains in the background. I look so relaxed. It captured the moment so beautifully.
Krista Who Gives a FuckBut my ass is showing in that pic.
Krista Who Gives a FuckBut my ass is showing in that pic.
Krista Who Doesn't Give a FuckWho gives a shit about your ass. Use the pic. It shows how perfect the day was. You were so happy to be there at the lake, feeling the sun on your body, enjoying watching the boys play in the water. Besides, you have a nice ass.
Krista Who Gives a FuckYeah. But my ass cheeks are totally hanging outside my bikini and the sun is totally hitting it so that it's the "focal point." Damn. That would be a nice shot if it weren't for my ass (or my stupid broad shoulders for that matter). Plus I could be opening myself up to a whole heap of lecherous comments.
Krista Who Doesn't Give a FuckGirl. GET OVER IT.
Krista Who Gives a FuckIf I use that pic as my profile people are going to think I'm a narcissistic little bitch or I'm trolling for men or I'm just fishing for attention.
Krista Who Doesn't Give a FuckDo I have to slap you?!!! Fuck what other people think. That photo captures the memory so succinctly. Stop giving a shit so much. Its just a goddamn photo.
Krista Who Gives a FuckAlright. I'll use the pic. But I'm gonna crop it so that my ass isn't showing.
Krista Who Doesn't Give a FuckWhatever. Jeez. You're a serious head case. Get some help, girl.
(one minute later...)
Krista Who Gives a FuckHoly crap! Facebook wouldn't let me crop the picture how I want and it uploaded instantly!! Now everyone's gonna see my ass on facebook! *sigh*. Shit. And now I have to keep it cuz someone's probably already saw it. If I take it off now people are going to think I'm self conscious about my body, which I'm not... well... not really. At least I didn't think I was so much anymore.. er... maybe a little. Fuck.
Krista Who Doesn't Give a FuckHahaha! I totally wanna high five Facebook right now. Nicely played. Bitch has to get over it now.
Yeah. That conversation is for real. I'm over it now, but you know the sucky part about that? It still happens a lot. I've been working hard to eliminate it, and most of the time I do, but there are times when it just takes over. I feel so trapped in my head when I do that. Not only do I feel trapped but I feel like I'm not being truly me.
You know the other ridiculous part about this whole thing? I walked around all day in that bathing suit without worrying about people staring at my ass. In fact, I didn't even think twice about wearing a bikini that day. So why did I get all weirded out about using that pic on my facebook profile?
I don't know.
Maybe its for some of the same reasons this chick feels self conscious about mountain biking or rock climbing in just a sports bra and booty shorts.
Maybe it was because the beach at the lake was a safe and controlled environment where it was socially acceptable to wander about in as little clothing as possible. Nobody stared. Well... it wasn't obvious anyway. No one accused me of trolling for men. No one attacked me out of nowhere. I felt perfectly safe. I didn't care if men looked at me and saw sex. I didn't care if women looked at me and saw a narcissistic little bitch. I was comfortable that day in my own body.
I would have to agree with the author in the article above when she says that women shouldn't have to
"...choose between being respected as an athlete (or artist, or thinker, or professional, for that matter) and being sexy."But, who defines those boundaries? Can't we be sexy and still be an athlete, or artist, or thinker, or professional regardless of whether others see us only for one or the other? Its up to us as individuals to define those lines for ourselves. Or maybe we define that there are no lines at all. Maybe we just decide not to give a fuck and just... be. And if the stupid conversation isn't going on in our heads we are empowered with the gift of being ourselves for ourselves and not for anybody else. If we are constantly asking what other people think then we've just locked ourselves up in other-people's-opinion jail. We become what other people think.
But the whole "women as sexual objects of desire" issue baffles me. On one hand, I recognize that if I post a pic of me wearing a bikini some of my men friends on facebook might look at that picture and find it a turn-on. Their primal, male instincts kick in and they get all fired up and think about sex. On the other hand, don't men think about sex a lot of the time anyway? Lets face it. Testosterone is a powerful thing. Its also a normal male thing and, as I'm learning, is a good thing for us females too in terms of sexual desire. I think most women who train the way I do will probably agree. But that's a post for another day. *wink*
Seth put up a quote on the board at the gym the other day. It reads:
"Don't let other people's opinions become your reality."
Isn't that the truth.
So why should I care when a guy sees the sun shining on parts of my body that don't see the light of day so much and has a normal male response to that?
The answer is in order to feel good about myself and not be self conscious I shouldn't care.
And what about the women who's opinions I worry so much about? Why is that so important to me?
Because I want those women to like me.
I know from experience this isn't possible, especially with women. As a woman who has had more guy friends than girl friends all my life I've learned that women are WAY more judgmental than men are. The sad fact is that women sometimes dislike other women for lots of stupid reasons. She's prettier. She's smarter. She's got her shit together. I can't control how other women think and I would suspect many of the judgments come from a place of their own insecurities.
But what I DO have control over is who I am as an individual. I have the power to be my true authentic self unaffected by the opinions of those around me, including my friends, family, the public masses and even the media. Those people don't live in my head, feel my pain, or take pride in my accomplishments. Fuck their opinions. They don't elevate me and they certainly don't define me.
So fuck the Krista Who Gives a Fuck.
I refuse to become a person who has built her personality on the foundation of other people's perspectives. That foundation is not my own. It would be a shame to live life with someone else's opinions in my head - someone else's judgements, attitudes, and convictions - because from there I may never get the chance to see the world from my own extraordinary view.
Fuck that shit.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .